Renewal?
…maybe it’s a refresh, instead.
Had a birthday yesterday, which, while a tiny bit imperfect, was exactly what it needed to be. It was a landmark birthday, one of those they make cards for, and it went ok, which is a first for landmark birthdays for me. My 16th birthday I literally drove cross-country with my dad, moving station with him, and starting over in high school with one year to go. My 18th was fine, although my parents forgot to call me. 21 was fine, there was some alcohol involved, but a bit downplayed, because of my partner. Same with 25. I had a kid at that point, which was interesting. Trigger Warning – light discussion of domestic abuse ahead.
30 and 40 were both clusterfucks. My ex was a controlling abuser. He picked a horrible, day long fight with said oldest child on my 30th. My 40th I put my foot down and reclaimed my time by going out with friends. So that night I was treated to an all night diatribe of yelling, in front of the kids. All the things I wasn’t doing, why we were “unevenly yoked” … always with that phrase. There were lots of other less palatable words and phrases, but that was something he used to say a lot. Complete bullshit. I’ll spare you how I came past that. It’s an old story, but one I’m slowly walking through. Getting by and moving on…
Anyway, flash forward to yesterday, which was a day of relaxation, and just a nice day. One child brought me decadent little delights and fun literal interpretations of things (chocolate cake with pumpkin cupcakes on top – who knew?!), one child bought me Indian food, one wrote me the best little rap song. A good day. Not dramatic, but what I needed.
It’s been a long year. A year ago today, bad things culminated. Not my fault things. There are things I could have done differently, but ultimately, I put down boundaries, and experienced consequences. That’s fine. My dad (and last living parent) died, too. And a beloved cat. So I’ve done a lot of messy grieving in the last year. I’m not getting younger, and the world doesn’t stop turning, but I finally feel like I can step back onto my own path again, and make my own way into the future.
It’s good to have my life back.
Do Over
Big changes. More word soon, for the bots that drop by at least. Hollering into the void over here. Invisible me, invisibling. I’m in the process of moving where I invisible, though. Writing this in a whole new state.
Surveys
Y’all, are you aware of all the companies that pay for surveys?
I’m hustling for income right now, so I use a few of them. Enroll is not worth your time. Mostly they ask for free demographic information from you, and if you get a survey, it’s literally just a few cents. There are some better ones with actual UI feedback, but I’m a bit wary of them. However, now that I have some gain issues with my web cam sorted out, I might do them more and then review them here. Mostly, right now, I do Survey Junkie. Thought about linking them, but they’re easy enough to find and don’t need my little link to make bank.
The gist of it is, you sign up, give them all your demographic specifics, and then they have a dashboard of surveys you can try for. Mostly they are a pittance – 20 minutes for 70 cents, that sort of thing – but if you are efficient, you can make a little petty cash fairly easily. Not much – basically half a tank of gas with a little bit of effort, maybe once or twice a week.
Inside My Mind: Hollowness
I’m struggling to stay afloat right now. Still in between things. Things keep looking like they are headed in the right direction, and then something happens to protract or lessen and here I am, back in limbo. My life is quiet, and frequently unbordered. I don’t know that that is good for me.
The internet is a lot bigger than it used to be – literally, obviously, but metaphorically, too. Used to be, maybe someone would see you, but these days, if you don’t have an infrastructure past your online life, odds are, noone is going to see your scribblings on the wall. That’s a crap realization, but irrelevant, too. I guess if it doesn’t matter, why not keep writing, if for no other purposes, so that I can see that writing on the wall.
A Tale of Two Podcasts, or How Two Stories Kept Me Sane on a Difficult Road
I’ve recently had to travel for some of those grown up reasons you might know of when you’re a child, but that end eras for adults. Probably a maudlin and … Continue reading A Tale of Two Podcasts, or How Two Stories Kept Me Sane on a Difficult Road
Just Like Everyone Else – I’ve Got Burnout
Hey, y’all. Man, life has been hitting me hard. I have this tendency to turn inwards regarding pain and hard things and depression…. I think this flattening, this near dystonia, … Continue reading Just Like Everyone Else – I’ve Got Burnout
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