…maybe it’s a refresh, instead.
Had a birthday yesterday, which, while a tiny bit imperfect, was exactly what it needed to be. It was a landmark birthday, one of those they make cards for, and it went ok, which is a first for landmark birthdays for me. My 16th birthday I literally drove cross-country with my dad, moving station with him and starting over in high school with one year to go. My 18th was fine, although my parents forgot to call me. 21 was fine, there was some alcohol involved, but a bit downplayed, because of my partner. Same with 25. I had a kid at that point, which was interesting. Trigger Warning – light discussion of domestic abuse ahead.
30 and 40 were both clusterfucks. My ex was a controlling abuser. He picked a horrible, day long fight with said oldest child on my 30th. My 40th I put my foot down and reclaimed my time by going out with friends. So that night I was treated to an all night diatribe of yelling, in front of the kids. All the things I wasn’t doing, why we were “unevenly yoked” … always with that phrase. There were lots of other less palatable words and phrases, but that was something he used to say a lot. Complete bullshit. I’ll spare you how I came past that. It’s an old story, but one I’m slowly walking through. Getting by and moving on…
Anyway, flash forward to yesterday, which was a day of relaxation, and just a nice day. One child brought me decadent little delights and fun literal interpretations of things (chocolate cake with pumpkin cupcakes on top – who knew?!), one child bought me Indian food, one wrote me the best little rap song. A good day. Not dramatic, but what I needed.
It’s been a long year. A year ago today, bad things culminated. Not my fault things. There are things I could have done differently, but ultimately, I put down boundaries, and experienced consequences. That’s fine. My dad (and last living parent) died, too. And a beloved cat. So I’ve done a lot of messy grieving in the last year. I’m not getting younger, and the world doesn’t stop turning, but I finally feel like I can step back onto my own path again, and make my own way into the future.
It’s good to have my life back.